Friend... under construction

It's late and I should be sleeping, but I have something on my mind.

I have realized that ever since the death of my dad I have been stubborn. I know that I have definitely gone through some major changes in my life because of this, but the way it affects me today bothers me. My attitude toward my family has not been the best I will admit. I was "daddy''s little girl" and now at times I do feel like a third wheel. However, I have realized that I, myself, have made me become that way. I haven't been as involved with my family as I should be or as helpful. I don't always agree with situations, but sometimes I need to look from their point of view. I want to be a better daughter and sister.

From realizing that I have not been the best family member I have also realized I am not that great of a friend at times:

I am not that involved: I often blame this on being busy and needing to study, when in actuality I am just really tired and need rest or want to stay at home. I am a HUGE homebody. I want to become a friend who makes efforts to become more invested in friendships.

I don't open up: But when I do I vent so much that I scare people away. I need to find a balance. Friends are people you can trust and who've got your back.

I am judgmental: Because I had to mature a lot faster than most people my age because of my dad I tend to be quick to judge. I assume I know what they are thinking, whether they are being fake or not, or whether they will be truthful and honest with me. I am scared to trust others at times. I want to become a friend who listens and cares. Only God is the one who can judge others, my job is to love.

I know I cannot just change this overnight. But with God's help I can become a more loving friend. One who intentionally invests in others. One who is not quick to judge. I really need to work on this loving attitude not only in my friendships, but also within my family relationships. I need to learn to be submissive at times. I like to think "In 10 years will this argument even matter?" My dad is gone. This is a fact. What I carry away from his life and how he lived it is the part of him that will continue to live on within me.